Luke 24
Bernie Has Risen
1 On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the working women took the spices they had prepared and went to the political tomb. 2 They found the stone of Super Tuesday rolled away from the tomb, 3 but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Bernie Sanders. 4 While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that shine bright like a diamond stood beside them. 5 In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the campaign manager said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? 6 He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Colorado: 7 ‘The Son of a Carpenter must be delivered over to the hands of the mainstream media, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’” 8 Then they remembered his words.
9 When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to CNN and to all the others. 10 It was Amy, Ana, Mary the mother of your next-door neighbor James, and the others with them who told this to the political disciples. 11 But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like left-wing nonsense. 12 Anderson, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of shredded exit polls lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened.
On the Road to Emmaus
13 Now that same day two of them were going to a village called DC, about seven miles from Jerusalem. 14 They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. 15 As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Bernie Sanders himself came up and walked along with them; 16 but they were kept from recognizing him by biased media coverage as evidenced by the Tyndall Report.
17 He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”
They stood still, their faces downcast. 18 One of them, named Flea-opas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting DC who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”
19 “What things?” he asked.
“About Bernie Sanders,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before One Nation Under God and all the People. 20 The party priests and our establishment rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they politically crucified him; 21 but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem America. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. 22 In addition, some of our liberal women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning 23 but didn’t find his campaign. They came and told us that they had seen visuals of angels, who said he was alive. 24 Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see his campaign.”
25 He said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the party has spoken! 26 Did not Barack Obama have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?” 27 And beginning with all the Profits, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.
28 As they approached the village to which they were going, Bernie continued on as if he were going farther. 29 But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.
30 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to redistribute it. 31 Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. 32 They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened democratic socialism to us?”
33 They got up and returned at once to DC. There they found the Five and those with them, assembled together 34 and saying, “It is true! Bernie Sanders has risen and has appeared to Psymon from SSX Tricky.” 35 Then the two told what had happened on the way, and how Bernie Sanders was recognized by them when he broke the bread.
Bernie Sanders Appears to his Disciples
36 While they were still talking about this, Bernie himself stood among them and said to the Middle East, “Peace be with you.”
37 They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. 38 He said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? 39 Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not rail against millionaiuhs and billionaiuhs, as you see I have.”
40 When he had said this, he showed them his hands and feet. 41 And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, 43 and he took it and ate it in their presence because it was mad kosher.
44 He said to them, “This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Marx, the Profits and their Palms.”
45 Then he opened their minds so they could understand democratic socialism. 46 He told them, “This is what is written: the political revolution will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day of nonstop coverage, 47 and repentance for the forgiveness of political sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at DC. 48 You are witnesses of these things. 49 I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with purchasing power from on high.”
The Ascension of Bernie Sanders
50 When he had led them out to the vicinity of New Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them with social programs. 51 While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into the nomination. 52 Then they worshiped him and returned to DC with great joy. 53 And they stayed continually at the dive bar, praising Bernie.
